The Question’s We Should’ve Asked…

My husband and I did the Hypnobirthing course. We read the books. We talked about the practicalities of looking after a baby. We felt totally ready.

My husband was an amazing support during labour. The best.

Yet, here we were, a few weeks into parenthood and struggling to keep our heads above water in our relationship. Totally out of tune with one another. Each coming at our experience with our own individual ideas and expectations around what that was going to be like. Neither voicing these expectations to the other. But instead, holding onto the assumptions we’d made about how the other must be feeling. Exhausted and living our own versions of reality whilst silently resenting the other for theirs. And all of this whilst bubbling over with more love than we ever thought possible. A complex mash-up of feelings that neither of us felt quite able to process, let alone express to one another.

Until it all came tumbling out after an argument.

The heat of those feelings got so intense that they forced us into confrontation and release. Pushing us into one of the most honest conversations we’d ever had.

Turns out we hadn’t really understood what was coming our way. Maybe no one does. And there’s some truth in that I guess – you can’t really know what an experience is like until you live it. But that doesn’t stop us from forming ideas about what that will be like anyway. And that’s what we’d both done.

Like so many before us, and those arriving at parenthood after us, we came into our experience with romanticised notions of what it was going to be like. We only ever saw the happily ever after version of our lives with our perfect child/children. Mostly thanks to everything we’d always seen in the films – couple meet, get married, have a baby and live happily ever after. The end.

The trouble is life doesn’t work that way. Parenthood certainly doesn’t work that way. But we didn’t know that for sure because we’d never lived it. All we had to go on was the narrative that we’d created in our own minds.

And when our reality inevitably didn’t meet our expectations, it put a strain on us. Because what we hadn’t factored in was the imperfect reality of life after birth. Physical and emotional recovery, seismic hormonal shifts, learning how to look after a newborn and the actual impact of adjusting to a lot less sleep than we’d been used to (which everyone warns you about and that irritates me, but again, how can you know how that feels really?). These were just a few of the things going on for us in those early days. 

It was a lot. It is a lot.

And I know that this isn’t just our story. It’s the story of so many couples. The ones I support and the ones I don’t. It’s also the story that shows up in the research (one study I found showed that nearly 90% of the couples in their sample reported that they felt less happy post birth*). 

I wish I had a secret formula that you could apply, which would mean that if you’re in a couple, you could navigate all of those experiences with ease and as a solid unit.

I don’t. But what I do have is a list of questions – conversation starters – that will help you both get a clearer sense of where you’re at as you move toward and through your experiences. If I could go back in time, these are the questions (and follow up questions) my husband and I would have asked each other before birth (BOTH TIMES). My hope is that the answers will help build compassion and connection between you both. 

1. What are we expecting this to be like? 

No, seriously. When you think of birth or when you think of life with your new baby, what does that look like? What do you see for yourselves? What’s happening? What are you expecting to happen? Being honest about your highest expectations is as important as acknowledging your deepest fears. This is because expectations shape experiences. If our experiences somehow fall short of our expectations this can create all sorts of feelings – from shame to resentment. 

2. What are we expecting from each other? 

This is a big one too and in my experience (personal and professional) also a potential source of resentment. So, what level of support are you expecting from each other? As the birthing person, what do you think you’re going to need from your partner during birth? And does your partner feel able to support you in the way that you’re going to need? And when you think about life with your baby, how do you see yourselves working together as a team? What are the roles you see yourselves playing in your mind? If one of you goes back to work whilst the other is at home with baby, how will you continue working together as a team? 

3. How do we cope with feeling stressed, tired or overwhelmed?

It’s worth considering these coping mechanisms in general. What’s your go-to when you’re feeling any of these things? How is that working for you? Have you got a healthy and effective way of releasing stress, of looking after yourself when you’re tired, of seeking solace when you’re overwhelmed? Whatever these mechanisms are, you will be leaning on them in life after birth. Perhaps more so than before. So it’s definitely worth spending time reflecting on how well your coping strategies work for you individually and as a couple. 

4. How do we communicate when things feel hard?

In our daily lives as couples we tend to rely heavily on mind reading and assumption making. Not always a bad thing and lots of the time, because we know our partners really well, we can preempt how they’re going to feel or what they’re going to think about something with considerable accuracy. Issues can arise however, when things feel hard or we feel challenged and rather than voice what’s actually going on for us, we continue to lean on these mechanisms. We assume that our partner knows exactly how we’re feeling, without us needing to tell them. We might assume they know exactly how upset or angry they made us when they said what they said or did what they did. We also continue to make assumptions about what’s going on for them, sometimes without actually asking. We might assume that they’re unaffected or getting off lightly somehow because they’re living a different reality to us. It almost sounds too simple to be effective, but wherever you can, be as explicit as possible about what’s going on for you. Equally, if you find your thoughts swirling around how your partner is feeling, ask yourself whether you know it to be absolutely true or whether the thought is based on an assumption. 

5. How do we navigate conflict? 

What are your individual styles of dealing with conflict within your relationship? Do you shut down, run away, get angry, brush under the carpet or talk it through? Whatever your style of dealing with conflict is, honestly consider how it works for you both. There is no doubt that life on the other side of birth will test your conflict resolution styles (despite what the films say), so it’s worth reflecting on what these are and whether there are any tweaks that can be made to help you move through conflict more effectively. 

6. Where can we go to for extra support if we need it? 

Where do you go when you’re having a tough time as a couple? Who do you lean on when you need a shoulder to cry on or just a listening ear? Friends? Family? A therapist? I asked this question in my Instagram stories this week and most (over 50% of my community) said they didn’thave a designated source of support. If this is you, then it’s worth having a chat about how you can change that. We all need a little extra support sometimes and this can be especially true in parenthood when we feel tested to the absolute max and need a good vent and some calm reassurance. 

7. How can we come back to each other? 

Before you were mum and dad, what was life like for you as a couple? What did you like doing together? What did you talk about? Laugh about? How did you spend your time together? The truth is, the answers to these questions can very quickly move down the mounting to-do list and shifting priorities on the other side of birth, but they are the foundations of it all. If ever life feels like a lot, and you feel like you and your partner are living on distant planets, drifting further apart in space, come back to those answers – they’ll bring you home again. 

Anyway, I hope there are a few nuggets in these reflections for you and that these questions help spark some honest conversations in your couples. 

My name is Dr Tuesday Watts-Overall and supporting couples as they move through these questions and navigate birth and life beyond is what I do. Whether you are preparing for birth or well-established on your parenting journey, if you feel ready to explore these and other questions with your partner in a supported space, I’m here for you. The support I offer starts at 90 MINUTES. Check out my website for more info.  

If you don’t already, come find me on Instagram for more on navigating birth and beyond as a couple. 

*It’s just one study in a sea of research, but most of the evidence says that the majority of couples are negatively impacted by their experiences post birth. Which on the one hand is kinda bleak, but on the other hand is kinda comforting. So if ever you’re finding your experiences hard, know that the majority of couples do too. If it feels hard, it’s because it is.